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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

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I’ve been wondering if I should say something for the longest time. You may have noticed that I’ve been absent from blogging and social media in general for a long time. Thing is, I’ve been battling my own demons…..and I’ve not won yet. But hope prevails.

Now, tonight, in the shadow of a dark moon, I feel compelled to voice my opinion on a subject that has really gripped my fascination for the longest time. Ever since childhood I’ve been haunted by dreams about it, have I heard tall tales about it, things that frightened me so that I literally curled up in a bundle and covered my ears with my hands. The thing that frightened me, friends, was nothing other than the rapture and eventual return of Jesus Christ.

I remember those dark nights in church, the pastor’s booming voice, warning us of the terrors and the horrors that’s to come. I couldn’t understand that a kind God, a forgiving God, could be so cruel as to strike fear the hearts of the people His own Son saved.

These days we look at the world and wonder.

Tonight I read something about a cloud of depression hanging over the world…and it suddenly dawned on me; this is what is happening to us. We are being pulled into a dark pit of despair and then, at last, the release will come from above…but the release will be a terrible thing, as you who’ve seen the signs may know. Now, I’m not going to try and scare you, please, don’t ever think that! What I’m trying to tell is that you can still save yourself!

Yes, the horrors will come…..the San Andreas vault will finally give up the ghost and make California the next Atlantis, there will be volcano’s and floods…have been for years, in fact. There will be fire in the sky, there will be an upsurge of paranormal events, supernatural stuff that we normal people will refuse to accept or understand. I’m waiting for this, because I believe it is indeed upon us and I’m not saying this because I believe every computer animated cloud in the sky or weird trumpet sounds or warnings of a meteor strike on fake news bulletins…I don’t. I take that kind of information with an entire vault filled with salt…some of it may be authentic, but there are many charlatans out there that, for some sick reason, like to strike the fear of God in us. I’m also not saying that I’ve received a visitation and am about to bring a divine message from an angel or the holy Mother; that is NOT my intention with this. It is just a feeling I have…a feeling I’ve been having for the longest time and I will honestly be the first to admit that I may just be depressed or paranoid, whichever is your poison.

Tonight, friends, and few readers, I’m just reaching out to you in an honest way about this instinctive feeling. I feel compelled to share it, hence this crazy babbling (again…but you know me to be a babbler, anyway).

Now, everyone who has internet has seen the videos on YouTube, heard the trumpet sounds, saw the strange cloud formations, the lights falling from the sky. You’ve all heard about the warning of a devastating earthquake in the US and I’m sure you’ve seen the one of the strange clouds over Jerusalem. I don’t think we should concern ourselves with any of that. This feeling I have is stronger than any of those so-called signs and warnings may be. It’s been growing since childhood, as I mentioned already, and it is consuming me. When I read about the concerns of a stranger about the reign of depression across the world it got me thinking. And it spurred me into action…

The point is that my gut is telling me we are nearing the end of something, but also the beginning of something else. It is going to be big. I am not sure what it is, just as I’m not sure that the interpretations we have of Revelation, that of a human, what he thought he saw and have been believed by thousands, is fact…we cannot be sure. But, like I said to my husband this evening, I am NOT taking chances. It is my jobs to tell you that you have to be ready, get cracking friends and neighbors and turn your back on whatever you think is important in this world NOW and reach deep inside yourself, find your spirit and revive it, because the future is looking bleak for those of us who are unprepared. This battle is NOT going to be a physical one; it is already here, by the way, remember the talk about the cloud of depression? The world is being attacked by something we cannot kill with guns and knives and bombs….we are now quickly becoming our own enemies! I’ve suffered from depression for nearly 30 years, but never has it been so common, so devastating as it is now. People use drugs and alcohol to make them feel better, they use other vices; sex, murder, whatever floats them through their terrible days. I hear people saying ALL THE TIME that they cannot do this anymore. Life is becoming unbearable and NOT because of the economy or war or famine, or whatever…because they just feel so terribly down! Listen to this:

Luke 21:34-36

“But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap. For it will come upon all who dwell on the face of the whole earth. But stay awake at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are going to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man.”

Are you strong enough to fight against this terrible cloud descending upon us? Can you imagine how you would feel if all these predictions of earthquakes, floods, and other horrors come true? You will NOT be able to withstand the emotional strain! You will fall!! And THAT is exactly what the evil of the world wants us to do! The devil has been hiding in plain sight, right here, amongst us, watching and waiting like the rest of us. He has pounced and this is the result. Increase in alcoholism, drug abuse, child abuse, poverty, racism, hatred, criminal activity, murder, war, famine…the world is a mess and we are the victims of a spiritual battle which, by the way, we are LOOSING! It is time to wake up, people, NOT because of the YouTube channels that so busily testify of signs and warnings and images in the sky, NOT because of politicians who threaten economic downfall, NOT because of our own depression…that especially is NO EXCUSE!! We need to stand up for what our spirits believe NOW!! Take your stand, make your choice today, because I have a feeling our time is indeed short.

I’m speaking NOT as a prophet or a medium or any other spiritualistic, religious person; I’m speaking as myself, I’m sharing what I FEEL IN MY HEART…we need to take stock of our lives, we need to make peace, beg forgiveness and RETURN TO GOD TODAY!! Why this urgency? Truth is, there may not be a tomorrow…seriously.

What are you going to do? Make fun of me, perhaps? You are welcome. Criticize me…do that…I’m not a writer, nor a pastor, what do I know? I’m a silly housewife from a long-forgotten country at the far end of the darkest continent on the planet. My life means nothing…..so go ahead, make fun, have your laugh, just know this…I felt that I HAD to share this with you. You can do with it what you like.

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Just a final word, friends…don’t say you were NOT warned, stop making excuses…this is YOUR responsibility, YOUR decision and, ultimately, YOUR life (or death). Don’t be deceived….I hope to see you all soon.

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THE END

I sit by the river and see

Dark waters unfolding around around me

Wondering why it all went wrong

When in the distance I hear the sad old song

Of a nightingale in the whispering willows

And I wonder….here I sit on the banks of the river

The wind lifting the sweat from my brows

Feeling the cold fingers of autumn, the shiver

It has not been a wonderful life

The pain was immense, the quiet my strife

The whisper I hear in the darkness tonight

My end ever near now over the fight

I lift my gaze to the stars above

And wonder at them, those sparkles of love

Why was it never so easy for me

Good person I am, setting all free

Where’s the forgiveness, the caring and love

Why was there always so little for me, not a tear, not a smile

Never missed, always judged, always the pain

The scoldings I hear, know now all’s in vain

Now over the struggle, at last I lie down

Here by the river, with dew on my gown

I turn my face to the heavens above

And see a beam of light and….at last the love

THE END

IMAGE SOURCE:

Starry Night Over the Rhone (September 1888) by Vincent van Gogh

Dreaming of van Gogh on squarefocus.com

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Being desperate about life is something most of us have experienced at some point. While some of us may be lucky enough to perceive it as ‘just a bad day’, others may be living their lives in complete shadow. It is widely known that depression is one of the worst diseases of our time. A silent killer, sometimes referred to as ‘suicide’ or ‘heart attack’, but I’m not going to talk about depression from a counsellor’s point of view today. I’m just mentioning it so that you can understand the depth of despair some people face every day of their lives. I’m also mentioning it because I understand it, know it, yes, it is an old enemy. One I’ve been living with for 31 years. But that is ALSO not what I want to talk about, not really. Listen up, hear it comes….

The past few years have been particularly challenging. In 2009 I went off my meds and haven’t been using since. Needless to say, it’s been hard and I’ve had my ‘moments’ of deep, dark thoughts. Despite these ‘moments’, however, I’ve somehow managed to find the light every time. My secret? I’ve realized that, corny as it may sound, everything, even the bad in life, is part of a divine plan to build an authentic human being.

Let me tell you a story: in 2014 something really bad happened, something that someone did (or actually several people did several different things) to totally disrupt the peace and happiness in my life. I was angry, sad, confused and very depressed about what happened. I felt betrayed and couldn’t understand why such things can happen to someone who devoted a life to serve others. Why are people so mean? Why do bad things happen to good people? I’m sure you’ve asked that question yourself many times.

Despair

For a while I remained gloomy, filling my mind with thoughts of things that I don’t wish to repeat here and then, one evening, I read a piece in the Bible. It was from the book of Job 27:5-6: ‘Till I die I will not put away my integrity from me. To my righteousness I hold fast…’ I gave this some thought and realized that if Job could say something like that after all he’s been through, who am I to think differently? You see, things that happen to us and what others say about us, has a way of changing us, and usually not in a good way.

Let me explain it this way; I’ve always seen depression and depressive thoughts as a deep, dark well, a place in which other people, with their snide and hurtful remarks or events that bring sorrow and pain, can pull us. I say ‘pull’, because those people and events are already down there in the dark. We allow them, in our desperation, to keep us down there and to brainwash us in a way, making us like them. Filling our minds with dark thoughts and, when we try to get out of this well, they set traps like crumbling rocks or slippery walls, so that we keep on falling back down. They LOVE it when we’re down and when our thoughts are corrupted. We let it go, because we are just too glad to be accepted again, even if it is by the ‘bad’.  We lose our integrity, we betray ourselves and that is the mistake we make. We start believing that the ‘bad’ is right, that there really is no light and that we were wrong to think good things happen and that we can be who we are, trying to make the world a better place. We forget God’s promise in Matthew 28:20.

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After I read the piece in Job, I sat myself down. It was time for a me to myself peptalk. I looked at my life, who I am, what I am and suddenly it was clear….the important thing was not what others have to say about me or what happened to me, the important thing was that I’ve survived and learned something from every single experience I’ve ever had. This depression, this darkness was changing me into something I did not want to be; I was becoming like the darkness itself! I was losing my integrity, betraying myself and the purpose of my life. In Jeremiah God says that He has a plan for each one of us, and it is not a plan that involves all this evil, this ‘bad’.  (Remember the image at the beginning of this post?) We forget, also that we do not have to fight alone.

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We lose ourselves trying to figure out ways of surviving life, we conform to the masses and to the demands of those who, in fact, hate us. Instead we should remember that everything really happens for a reason. Maybe not the reason we thought, but a reason nonetheless and that we were made in a certain way, with a certain purpose and our personality, our souls and our hearts tell us exactly what we should be. My heart has always been telling me to be compassionate, to look out for those who cannot stand up for themselves, to not hold a grudge, to hold on to my faith. How can I then allow depression, caused by events out of my control, to change the fundamental ‘me’? Yesterday my husband sent me the meme below and it really made me think about all these things again, because I am going through another dark battle now.

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We cannot allow evil to change us into something that goes against everything we stand for. Over the past few weeks I’ve been reading a lot about prophecies and the end of days and it concerns me that we’ve done so much to ‘belong’ in the dark world, yet we’ve done nothing to return to the light in which we were born. Do we not realize that the time is near for Jesus to return? Do we not understand that it can happen at any moment? Staying true to the person that God wants you to be, the person He created, must be the most important thing in our lives. All the other stuff, the hurtful words, the catastrophic events, the sorrow and pain mean NOTHING when we remain on the path planned for us. Staying true to the righteous me would mean that, come the rapture, I will be taken and not left behind. I will be ready.

Friends, don’t be fooled by those against you or the events that seem to hijack you at every turn. Remain loyal to yourself, to the creature that God made.  Allow yourself to have moments of depression if you have to, but never lose sight of the light. Don’t let the darkness change you. Listen to your inner voice, believe in yourself and in your purpose and KNOW, always know, that God is by your side wherever you go, in whatever you do, until the end of time.

IMAGE SOURCES:

Exodus 14:14 –  Timewarp Wife. 2013. [Date of Access:] 5 April 2016

Jeremiah 29:11Joe Quatrone jr.  2012.  [Date of Access:] 5 April 2016

Matthew 28:20Kagesa Files.  2012.   [Date of Access:] 5 April 2016.

Woman in DespairMy Carpal Tunnel.  2012.  [Date of Access:] 5 April 2016

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I’m so full of it, you know. Today was a particularly tough day….I’m not feeling too good and I can almost see my ‘dark side’ hovering over my shoulder. Being an old hand at depression I recognize the symptoms instantly. I’m asking too many ‘why’-questions and wondering about the purpose of it all too much today. Where is the positive one, you might ask? Well, I think positive Sharon took the day off! (I hope it’s just one day!)

I was organizing my year today….making lists and more lists and even more lists (yes, I love lists). All the things I have to do every day, all the things I want to do ….tomorrow I must sort these lists out and diarise the lot. You’re going to laugh, but I even have notifications on my calendar for ‘washing the floors’ and ‘dusting’ (once and twice weekly…mind you). As I was doing this (hilariously, silly) task, I started to wonder why the hell am I wasting my time with all this? I’m building two websites for something that no-one will ever take notice of.  Its not as if clients will queue around the block to come to my humble practice….and if they do, I’m sure they will not pay for my services at all (that is what people do, you know, they come and talk about all their emotional issues, you give professional advice and they leave, without paying…why is that, I wonder?). I’m making to-do lists for projects that will most probably seem stupid to those in charge of the organizations I’m doing it for, so why, why, why? It is like the author of Ecclesiastes says in chapter 1:3: ‘ What advantage ‘is’ to man by all his labour that he laboureth at under the sun?’ What advantage indeed…..everything passes, nothing is new….what the hell are we doing! You see how evil Sharon reasons? Today of all days, as I was laboring away at all this ‘nothing’, I really considered to just ‘let it go’….watch some television, eat ice cream and read a book and/or have an afternoon nap. But then….

this evening as I was lamenting my way around the house like Jeremiah himself, I heard my two younger kids talking. Their voices like clear bells in the silence of early evening. I don’t know what they were discussing, but the sound was just so sweet and then it hit me…..this is why I’m doing all this ‘nothing’. I’m doing something for other people so that my children can learn by example and one day, they will be caring, kind people. It is true that the children are our future. I am turning 46 this year and am therefore on my way out….my time of passing is drawing ever nearer, maybe not tomorrow or next year or even or in the next 20 years, but still. I have a duty, an obligation to plant a seed here, today in this generation, in this time. I may feel useless at times and it feels like I’m only doing things to keep myself occupied, but in the end someone, somewhere will benefit and learn something. Even my websites….I’m planning to add some information on certain emotional issues like stress, depression, etc so that people who discover my site can understand what it is and get the message that it is not at all hopeless….we have the power to change it all, even if we have doubts from time to time (as I’ve proven today). We do not have to wallow in sorrow and pain, we can uplift ourselves and become people of substance, people who can mean something, however small, to someone else.

So, miss….chin up! Forward march!

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